god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
