My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
