Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Randomize
