If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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