Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
