I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize