Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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