I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
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