I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Slut skills are useful in every country.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
did i just pee glitter
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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