I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
