My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
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