He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
He passed out mid-signature
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
