Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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