yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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