a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
