the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
