Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize