Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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