i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
