i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
