Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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