If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
