I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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