Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
