New invention idea: vibrating tampons
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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