Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
