my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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