I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
