a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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