i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
