Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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