so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
