You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Text me some of your sweat
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize