so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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