He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
