$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
