Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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