I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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