She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
