I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
