WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
