nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
