I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
