The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
