I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize