good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
