U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
