i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
