seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
