ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
