You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize