I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
