Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
