Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
