highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
