My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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