She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Randomize
