The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
