I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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